My journal entry from the date of diagnosis.
Today my mom is in remission, see prior entry last week. But stay!!! The real story is not the cancer it’s a healing of broken heart and the FREEDOM of forgiveness that the Lord brought.
I wasn’t looking forward to today. I’m turning 40. Wow… I am so old. Paul is going to take me out to lunch today, Joe’s Crabshack. Yumm. I’m hungry.
….12:54 p.m.
My sister called me this afternoon, something she never does.
My mom has Lymphoma.
Cancer.
It seems easy enough to just write, but trust me, it isn’t very easy to say without shedding a tear. Being able to just say it or write it took a lot. I didn’t want to acknowledge to myself that this awful thing could in any way influence me. I always thought, “How could cancer affect me?” I regret thinking my family and I were any better than cancer. Getting into that mindset is easy enough, but when reality hits, it’s like a car crash into a brick wall – only worse.
I have never cried as hard as I did when I walked into my house.
Anyone that really knows me knows that I cherish my family more than anything in the world. They have gotten me where I am today by believing in me and offering guidance and assurance along the way. To hear my mother had cancer, that’s not a pleasant feeling. I absolutely hate thinking about it, I am still in disbelief, but I know that someday I will have to come to terms with that – to move on to a solution. I just don’t know how I will be able to do it. She said she’s strong, but am I? She is the one who is sick, but Knowing she is sick kills me. I want nothing more than to see my family live long and cherished lives, knowing my mom has a battle ahead of her scares me to death.
So tonight I created my own escape. I found myself intoxicated with emotions and I needed to leave, but I can’t get out. I curled myself up in a ball and weeped.I hate that I admitted to crying when I found out and while I am writing this – I want to be a stronger person than that.I was a strong Christian for gosh sakes, why am I crying…………………………..
4 Comments
October 12, 2007 at 1:24 pm
Only those who have experienced this can understand. I am sorry to hear that.
You weep because it is the emotion that God gave you and the love you have for your mother. Strength doesn’t come from lack of emotion, it comes from the ability of God to take you through the situation. Your strength will show up in all those times that you won’t want to have to visit your mom when she is sick but will do it anyway, your strength will show up in how your family and friends see you trusting in God through it. Your strength will show up when you are at the end of yourself, and God shows up.
Don’t be to hard on yourself, Jesus wept when he saw the cancer in Jerusalem, He wept, when He wasn’t sure he could face the cross.
This, deserves all the tears in the world! Be comforted by God’s love for you!
October 12, 2007 at 11:52 pm
So real. So authentic. Nothing to hide.
i am so grateful she is in remission though! Hallelujah!
October 13, 2007 at 2:20 am
“In the days of his flesh, Jesus offered up prayers and supplications, with LOUD CRIES AND TEARS, to him who was able to save him from death and he was heard because of his reverence.” Heb. 5:7
I’m sorry very sorry Heidi. I love you. Let Christ be strong for you. Go to His arms and weep there. Weep as much and as long as you need to.
October 13, 2007 at 1:06 pm
Heidi, point of clarification – you’re mom is still in remission, right?? I hope I didn’t miss the point. And I’m glad to hear you’re back on solid foods, but crab??? I suppose you don’t get baked potatoes with that? Mmm. (meat and potatoes girl).