Is your blog your home or just a rental?

 

I overheard my friends discussing housework and guests.  They were talking about having guests and being a guest and how different people keep their homes. Not being a huge fan of housework, my ears perked up to hear unguarded responses.

 

 I am always  that person who before you arrived, had just spent 8 hours scrubbing, tidying, rearranging and making sure that every cupboard and room was spotless. For my whole life I had this idea that if people could see the “real” me that they would run screaming from the room. This was completely logical in that I didn’t like me most of the time and if I could have I would have left too!

 

 “Real” me I mean the not put together, bumbling, lost person that I frequently feel like. It was this “real” person who became like a skeleton in my closet I was desperate to keep hidden. I was certain that the bad things in my life outweighed the good.

 

And so began the construction. Walls went up around my heart to protect it from pain, mazes leading to my feelings meant that people gave up long before they reached the core, and of course the all important smoke screen, distract and evade. Dress nicely, smile, and act as if everything is fine. It works. People stay far away. They know when they are not wanted.

But then there were circumstances in my life that couldn’t be avoided, and that stone wall, that façade began to crumble. There were days that I didn’t know what I was going to do. I felt like the Wizard of Oz desperately holding onto the fantasy “Pay no attention to the (wo) man behind the curtain”.  

 

I was certain that my life as I knew it was over. That’s when people found out that I wasn’t always the girl that was “pulled together”, well adjusted person that they knew, that I would be alone; At least before, there were lots of people around me, even if they didn’t KNOW the real me.

As the dust settled and I stood feeling completely exposed to the world. My shame right there for all to see, my failures and my insecurities laid bare. To my amazement, as I opened my eyes, I realized that I had not been abandoned; in fact, people I didn’t even know were standing, arms wide open, waiting, and smiling. They were smiling because finally I realized what they all already knew.

 

 

In blogging, my blog is my true home.

 

 

I began the slow process of authenticity, of finding opportunities to be real. Opportunities to share my thoughts, disappointments and weaknesses. Much to my surprise, instead of keeping people away, authenticity has drawn people toward me. 

 

 In being real, people are real with me, and I love it. I am so overwhelmed when people share their challenges, because I know how hard it is to be vulnerable.  

 

I love it when a friendship moves to the place of realness..

 

At the end of lunch my friend Marcy said something so profound, it struck me and I have thought of it often. She said that when he goes to someone’s home and it is messy-like how every home is during the day when we are living there! –

 

 she said that is when she knows that someone is truly a friend because they are not worried about what she thinks, they just are who they are!!

 How amazing is that!!?? 

It stopped me in my tracks. I chewed on this idea for a long time.

 

Is your blog your home or just a rental?

 

 

 

 

Color

I was able to pray in our 24 hours of prayer.  As I laid across the altar in the wee morning hours weeping for His GLORY to be seen and manifested at New Life. I had looked up between my tears at our stage lights and saw this most beautiful and penetrating color, God gave me these words to describe that moment.

 I love to take in air

 to draw in the new and let out the old.

 I try to breathe so deeply that all my lungs become filled

 and I visualize the mysterious miracle of breathing…

A parable for God’s spirit in me.  

I see the black replaced with white and the drabs

 replaced with brilliant hues.

I have made some sharp choices in my life

- had glimpses of the “big picture” and acted accordingly to that truth.

 But WOW! I have also made STUPID choices founded

 on selfishness, brokenness, fear and unrelenting pride.

 

And when you realize that the beautiful color in your life is

 just everlasting and never- ending reward from the Master Himself 

 thanksgiving  abounds!

                                       

And when you grasp the truth that every moment is a given moment - you want to SAVOR them, taste them, and enjoy them. 

 

 

 

Brisk

I believe that God has equipped us with brains and creativity for a reason, and that when we use our multi and somewhat different gifts in PARTNERSHIP with God’s direction that we will ALWAYS find the path to His will.I have often had to take a step without “feeling” God’s presence but always with the conviction of His directing love and purpose- and MOST importantly, with those open ears to discern if something is not where God wants me to go.

 

I used to think that I was getting lucky with some of my choices and for all the rest that it was up to God to “redeem” them for His good purpose….. you know that scripture

 

“ALL things work together for the good of those who love the Lord”.

 

 I always kind of figured that God was getting quite the workout with me running all over the place making decisions that He was going to have to figure out how to “work out for good”, but I see with some perspective that distance- and age- bring that God was there all along.This idea of leaving space for God in between the decision and the action….. it really jives with what I believe about the Character of God and His desire to see us grow and mature, but to always allow His input.

It is nice to know that the further along I am in my walk, the more I realize I am on the right track!

 

Childhood Memory: Robin’s Nest

 

 

I will never forget in kindergarten, our whole semester was centered around a little trip to the second floor of that school. We lined up, two by two, and walked through the hall and up the stairs. Then, Mrs. Flegal told us to be very quiet and go to the window. There, on the window sill outside, was a perfect nest with a Robin sitting quietly upon it. She turned her head, saw us all there, and flew off.

 I will never forget my surprise when I saw those four beautiful blue eggs sitting in that nest! We went often up those stairs to check on the Robin and her eggs.

Then one day, we saw the ugly little babies. And then, soon after, they were all gone except one.

He was standing on the side of his nest, chirping franticly, fluttering his wings. We could all see Momma Robin in the tree a little ways away calling for her baby to come to her.

 

Finally, after a few minutes, he did it!!! And he could fly!!! We all clapped and chered loudly.

I never forgot that. That memory was etched deeply on my heart and every time I saw a robin, I thought of kindergarten, my red skirt Mom had made for me,  The smell of Elmer’s glue paste, and that nest in the window. 

Do you have a childhood memory like this?

 

A Silly Quirk About Me….

I’ve been on a soul-expanding journey of self-growth for a few weeks; learning things about myself that have moved me to my very core and caused me to flood my iced coffee with tears. Ordinarily I don’t share anything very private here on this blog, but I feel compelled to tell you about a life-altering discovery I’ve made, because, by sharing it, I may help you recognize something similar within yourself. And that is this:

No matter what amount of time I enter into the microwave keypad, I never let the microwave do its thing for the full time allotted. I will always, without fail, press STOP before the microwave has a chance to stop on its own.

This is but one of the many discoveries I’ve made during my self-imposed hiatus from the ordinary course of my life .  I would reveal more of them, but I do not want to overload you in one sitting. Digest this, and then I’ll feed you.